Blizzy McGuire's Guide to Being an Italian Long Island Princess

Blizzy McGuire Long Island Italian Princess interview guide to Polyester — Make it stand out

It’s hard trying to exist on the internet with a marginalised identity, let alone using the digital realm to create a career that’s based on tongue-in-cheek humour, but Blizzy McGuire’s navigation of URL spaces drips in the casual confidence of one specific kind of girl: The Long Island native, Italian princess.
Blizzy’s been taking social media by storm for years, repeatedly coining the sayings that have become iconic parts of the gay lexicon without really trying too hard. Remember Christian Girl Autumn? Blizzy invented it. Ever laughed at a Hunger Games meme? Blizzy thought of it first. And now that the likes of fashion designers and online publications are recognising Blizzy’s gift for the gab, it won’t be long until the comedian takes over what’s left of the world to acquire.

With a natural prowess for virality, it would be hard to put into words how, exactly, to be an internet sensation - which is why we haven’t tried to make a guide about that. Instead, Blizzy McGuire sat down with Polyester editor Gina Tonic to teach the children all about not just surviving, but thriving as an Italian girl from Long Island.

What do you need to be an Italian Long Island girlie?

“They got the accent, the attitude, the french tips, the balayage, and the tan! And the boobs.” Blizzy enthuses, prioritising the important details of life before digging into the nitty gritty of what makes an Italian princess hailing from Long Island so special.

“The Italian Girl From New York experience is something very sacred.” Blizzy explains, “It’s an immediate connection between survivors, like trauma bonding. I think I would trauma bond with Stefani Germanotta so hard.” FYI, just in case you’ve been living under a rock without wifi, 4G or poisonous 5G for the last fifteen years, Stefani is the real life name of Lady Gaga, one of the OG New York Italiana girlies. Case and point provided by the Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) music video.

“Nothing compares to a girl with an American flag bikini drinking a beer and wearing tiny jean shorts.” Blizzy finishes her exploration into her adoration of American Italians, “It will just forever be iconic, even when ironic!”

What are the three rules every Italian Long Island princess should follow?

As well as the basics of the genre - keeping up to date with your gym sessions, your spray tan appointments and the basket of laundry in the bathroom - there are some cardinal rules to being an Italo-Americano prin that must be upheld at all times. The following are only the top three choices from our resident hun:

“Don’t put cheese on your seafood pasta” - Not even the grated Italian hard cheese you can buy at the supermarket.
“Use Italian American Speech like Prosciutt and fresh Mutz and dawg” - It’s fundamental to know the difference between your gabbas and your gools.
“Get Nonna some fresh tennis balls for her walker as needed” - One day you’ll be a classy old dame like your Nonna and you’ll be relying on your granddaughter to keep your tennis ball stocks up. Treat others how you want to be treated! And maybe Nonna will give you a secret twenty bucks to spend at your next mani pedi.

Any no-nos for an Italian American chick?

Like a true keyboard queen, Blizzy says no Italian American girly would ever want to aim to be popular. It would/should just happen naturally. She comments, “I would rather be liked than popular… I don’t care as long as I'm being myself!”

Finishing strong, Blizzy also casts out anyone wearing “tiny soccer shirts that say Brazil.”

Give us one classic Italian dish we should all master…

Blizzy’s extra special baked ziti recipe is as follows:

“Step one: Download Uber Eats because who is actually cooking in this economy?”

Why is glamour important?

“I look up to Arca, I always have and always will.” Blizzy tells us as we contemplate the role of glamour for the modern (Italian-American and other) woman. “Arca is unapologetically herself and I admire that. She helped me feel like I wasn’t alone as a non-binary trans girl.” And although Arca doesn’t come from Long Island or Italy, her attitude towards being true to herself, no matter what, resonated deeply with anyone looking to exude an authentic glamour similar to our guidette leaders.

“Glamour to me is the euphoria of feeling so cunt you can’t help but shine like a star.” Blizzy surmises. “Glamour is having your personality on 110% every day, because you believe in yourself that much. You are that girl.” Glamour is, essentially, not faking it until you make it, but having a wholehearted belief that you’re already there.

Finally, what advice would you give Lana Del Rey?

“Ditch Waffle House and find a job at Buca di Beppo or Wawa.” After all: the tips are better, the food is nicer and the uniform is cuter.