What Is a Swag Gap Relationship and Can It Be Overcome?

Words: Kayla Curtis-Evans

I don’t remember when I first learned the term “swag,” but I know that ever since it entered my lexicon — likely influenced by 2000s rap, a young Justin Bieber’s lyrics, and Tumblr memes — I’ve understood what it encompasses. There isn’t really one archetype of what “swag” can be, because we all have our own quirks that distinguish us. But true, innate swag is undeniable. It radiates from those who effortlessly wield it — so much so that it’s irrefutable when there’s an evident swag gap between those in a relationship. 

I’ll rewind a bit, for the sake of introducing the term. Within the current dating sphere, there’s a rising discourse about the “swag gap.” Height and salary gaps have long been discussed as common dealbreakers within relationships. Some people don’t want to stray from their non-negotiables, and that’s more than warranted. But what is a swag gap — and can it be overcome?

To fully understand the phrase, it might be helpful to grasp how people perceive swag. “I don’t think swag has anything to do with anything physical. It’s more of an energy. For me, a person who has serious swag is undeniably charming, charismatic, direct, and seemingly unanxious about the space they take up. It’s sort of like their spirit is glowing through their skin,” editor Kevin Ponce expressed. While Tyler Fuller, an internet personality, added, “Swag inspires, swag motivates — and if you don’t inspire me, then respectfully, we might not be right for each other.” Put simply, the swag gap is when one partner possesses that certain “je ne sais quoi,” which may leave their counterpart feeling inferior.
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Personally, I’ve dealt with a lot of suitors in life, but especially in New York City — the mecca of clout-chasing — who I believe are swag incubuses. Predators waiting to find the ideal “cool” archetype, only to absorb their swag and reclaim it as their own. It’s a harrowing phenomenon, really. And that’s not to say that swag can’t be shared — I was in a long-term relationship for a good part of my twenties, and I actually loved being able to impart my knowledge and learnings onto my partner, and vice versa. But, I believe there’s a deeper conversation to be unveiled by unpacking the swag gap, and that it inevitably ties back to the plight self-assured individuals face when dating. 

I want to launch into this discourse by first citing an anonymous opinion I received on the topic: “I don’t think you need to have swag to be loved and to be a good partner.” And I second that. Nonetheless, it’s an innately human condition to be competitive. We’re a highly advanced species, and one that exists in a sort of natural hierarchy, defined by class, financial status, physical attributes — and of course, these aren’t the things that we’ll be remembered by, but they’re the factors that stratify our society, and the dating pool, whether we want to succumb to that or not. Although most relationships start syrupy sweet, resentment is a dish that’s usually served cold. Many don’t realise they’re suffering silent tensions with their partner until it’s too late — and while much of this friction can typically be attributed to more traditional “gaps” or disconnects between partners, more often, they’re occurring because of the swag gap too.

“I’d even argue that the crux of swag really just is confidence. The two exist symbiotically, and there can’t be one without the other.”

I posted an inquiry about those who had experienced this phenomenon online, and suddenly, my DMs were flooded. 

“Had to break up with my long-term boyfriend when I started working in fashion because of this,” a designer shared. 

“In my last relationship, that was the only thing we argued about. Strictly, shorty was not where she wanted to be in life and hating me for it,” a DJ weighed in, while an anonymous source shared a similar story; “Last year I was dating somebody who had a very cool job, and that made me feel very insignificant. It was a big point of contention.” 

“My ex was a film bro, but our swag gap was crazy. We were both self-employed, but we were opposites because he was so unmotivated. I’m pretty disciplined, as a business owner. The difference between us was so prevalent, even though we had similar backgrounds and probably should have worked out better,” another founder candidly shared. Patterns started to emerge. Yes, many felt disconnected from their partners due to career or lifestyle differences, but individuals also cited that this gap had a lot to do with specific traits or social habits — pointing towards a swag gap. 

“I have a partner who’s much more laidback than I am, but also more socially anxious. Issues arise when it comes to being social, especially since I have a lot of friends. I’m really invested in my style, while he just throws a t-shirt on and calls it a day. Sometimes I have to have confidence for both of us, which can be draining at times,” another anonymous source shared.  

In many cases, some reflected on their partners unjustly stealing their swag and claiming it as their own — “He even started wearing all of my clothes (like head to toe),” — a content creator shared (unabashed thievery!), while others shared that the swag gap and the miscommunication it prompted led to irreversible contempt. “I felt belittled because I was often ridiculed for how much time, money, and resources I put into my personal aesthetic, but at the end of the day, I think it came from a place of his insecurity. Either way, I was never going to change anything about myself, and I expected him to — that’s not right, so I chose to move on,” a brand director told me. 

Concurrently, however, I did receive accounts of the swag gap being a positive boost to relationships. “It’s nice to appreciate when someone has different interests, even if our swags differ,” another brand director shared, while Amanda Le, a writer and consultant, agreed, “When my partner has more swag than me, it’s fun being put onto new things instead of always leading the way.” 

Sometimes a balance can be struck where the two halves of a couple can pool their differing interests and meet in the middle. This can lead to a really fruitful, healthy relationship. But all of this empirical evidence still begs the question: can a swag gap actually be defeated? 

“I believe a swag gap can be overcome when it’s surface-level, such as differences in style. However, when it’s rooted in deeper areas like ambition, mindset, values, or desire for growth, it’s much harder to bridge,” CEO Moriah Elisabeth said. And I agree. The simple answer is yes, it can be surmounted…sometimes. But most agree that it can rarely be ignored. Some share narratives of enjoying “swagging out” their partners, or interpreting the divide as a positive opportunity to adopt a new outlook. “There’s a wave of women online who are proud of transforming their partners for the better. I mean, even Beyonce has a song called “Upgrade U,” Kevin Ponce reflected. 

Others are adamant that the key to narrowing that gap isn’t acquiring a new wardrobe or changing your personality traits to appease a partner, but rather standing secure in your own identity. “I think the only way you can overcome a swag gap is acceptance. You both have to be okay with the dynamic of the relationship. I think a lot of people think they want someone who has swag, but in actuality, they can’t handle it,” Relly Phelps, a photographer and event curator, said.

I’d even argue that the crux of swag really just is confidence. The two exist symbiotically, and there can’t be one without the other. Sometimes, it’s okay for someone to share their sense of self with you, as it can help you strengthen your own. But you need to identify that core sense of self first, before looking to someone else to define it. As a content creator I spoke with aptly put it, “If you’re not secure with yourself, how can you be 100% there for your partner?”

Perhaps the real key to combating the swag gap is evening out the confidence playing field. A confident partner won’t care if their partner is cooler or “swaggier” than them — “A secure person isn’t going to feel challenged by your taste or your network. They don’t need to compete with you. They’re either going to have their own lane or will be genuinely happy cheering from yours,” PR and communications founder Lluvia Perez told me. 

Maybe the swag gap isn’t to blame for the death of modern romance, but rather a lack of self-love in a comparison-driven society. Perhaps some people simply aren’t ready to date someone fully aware of themselves, which sparks a conversation about self-love rather than seeking love and validation from others. As an anonymous source stated, “I think swag can attract you to someone in a relationship, but what’s keeping you there? Swag fades, but being a good, kind person is forever.” Maybe, just maybe, the swag you’re seeking has been inside of you all along.