How To Use Gay Witchcraft

Words: Claud Mintz

In fairy tales, Gay Witches wear tall black hats and ride their broomsticks to Futch night and Basement. But this is not a fairy tale. This is about a real Gay Witch. 

It wasn’t too long ago. 35 months and 6 days ago, to be exact. Thunder cracked above Gay Witch’s head. The sky had been dark and gray for many, many weeks. Forlorn in the early morn, they stared out the window looking up the hill at a bright pink cottage. Gay Witch was sad, but didn’t understand why. There was an emptiness in their heart that was just… there, or at least had been, for a while now.

“I’m a witch,” they said to themself. “There must be something I can do to fill this void.” Sighing, they let out a small hot breath on the window glass and drew a broken heart with their pointer finger.  ___STEADY_PAYWALL___

Suddenly, blue lightning flashed, striking their windowsill. Gay Witch shrieked and jumped back. The window had cracked, and blue lava-like liquid began pouring in. Before they knew it, Gay Witch was standing in about an inch of it. They ran and grabbed a bucket, but it quickly filled up. Panicked, Gay Witch grabbed any and every liquid holding vessel they could find. Pots, mixing bowls, Peter Pan mugs, mason jars - all filled to the brim in a matter of seconds. Gay Witch ran to their library and grabbed their book of spells. They flipped through the pages looking for something, anything, that stops flooding. They halted on a page that read “Storm-blocking magic”.

“Ah hah.”

Gay Witch stepped back and closed their eyes. 

“Water of sky, keep harm from I.” Thunder cracked again. Nothing. 

“Water of sky, keep harm from I,” they repeated. Still, nothing.

Gay Witch continued flipping through the pages of their spell book frantically. They quickly passed by the page of heartbreak, but stopped suddenly at a subchapter they had never noticed before -

“A flood of feelings” mumbled Gay Witch. They skimmed the page, reading aloud.

“For when the blues won’t stop coming”. Gay Witch looked around the room. Blue lava, everywhere. 

“Blue blues, to do with you. Down the hatch, say goodbye, toss the key… turn the latch.” 

Thunder cracked. The blue liquid disappeared. The sky turned bright, and the sun came out. Gay Witch was stunned. Even their once soggy shoes no longer were. They ran over to the window, and the cracked glass was fixed. All that remained was one single mason jar filled with the bubbling blue liquid. They held it up to their face. 

“Peculiar”, whispered Gay Witch. They shrugged… nothing a Gay Witch hasn’t seen before, really.

Then, a knock on the door. “Who is it?” sang Gay Witch.

“Your neighbor” sang back their neighbor.

“Jennica?” 

“No, your other neighbor.” 

Gay Witch smiled. Their heart skipped a beat as they opened the door. 

“That was quite a storm,” said their neighbor, as hot and well-dressed as ever.

“Yes,” agreed Gay Witch. “Are you alright?”

“I’m perfectly fine, I just came to check on you. I worry about this little cottage at the bottom of the hill”. 

Gay Witch blushed. “You worry about me?”

“I worry about all our neighbors,” said the neighbor.

“Oh, well, thank you, I did have some flooding, but it seems it all… cleared up.” 

“Already?” asked the neighbor. 

“Yes,” replied Gay Witch. They gulped, nervously. Awkward silence filled the air. 

“Won’t you invite me in for a drink?” asked the neighbor. “I seem to have lost running water and I am quite thirsty.”

“Oh yes, of course, wonderful” stuttered Gay Witch. “Not wonderful, I mean, that you lost running water in the storm, just, wonderful that you… are here.” They are completely red in the face at this point. 

“Is that Alligator-ade?” asked the neighbor. 

“Huh?”

“There in your hand” said the neighbor.

Gay Which held up the jar. 

“Oh, this —“

“Blue is my favorite flavor.” The neighbor grabbed the mason jar out of Gay Witch’s hands before they could say stop, and took a gulp. The neighbors brow furrowed.

“Wait!” exclaimed Gay Witch. “I think that’s expired —“

“Has anyone ever told you you have lovely eyes?” swooned the neighbor.

Gay Witch looked at the jar and blinked once, very slowly… a universal Gay Thank You.

The end.