Is The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives the Antidote to Purity Culture?

Words: Emma Cieslik

Purity culture is sadly a great equaliser among Christian women. Even those with substantial influence and social capital like the influencers in #MomTok - a cohort of Mormon content creators - struggle against religious systems designed to control women’s sexualities. This was on full display in the second season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives that debuted in May. And it is a hit: in its first five days on Hulu, the second season drew 5 million views. 

While the first season leaned into how the #MomTok influencers challenged conservative Mormon gender roles, the second tackled a bigger issue - the policing of women’s sexuality largely at the heart of Internet and church criticism against the #MomTok crew. As someone raised in purity culture, who is coming of age alongside the #MomTok influencers who grew up in the Purity Culture Movement of the late 1990s and early 2000s, the series was a realistic - and realistically messy - depiction of deconstructing Christian sexual purity ethics.

In Episode 4, titled “The Book of Taboos,” Demi and Jessi host a ‘Remove the Taboo’ party for Layla, who has never had an orgasm with a partner. “Something that’s kind of ingrained in our church is that you’re not really supposed to enjoy sex until you're married, and I think that put a constant shame in my head around sex in general,” Layla said. Layla especially felt the shame of having a child outside of marriage, even though she later got married, as well as the stigma of her later divorce. The party was meant to strengthen her understanding of her own body and help her enjoy having sex with Cam, her boyfriend and the son of a bishop in the church. 
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For Demi, this shame is intimately tied to a lack of sex education within the Mormon church. She explains that “There’s definitely some shame that comes along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Unfortunately, sex is a very under-talked-about topic. And so, I think, everyone is excited to learn more.”

So to educate Layla and themselves, Demi and Jessi invite in Erika Lemke, a sex and relationship coach and board certified clinical sexologist, who asks all of the women about their own desires and what arouses them. Layla responds by saying that she enjoys it when her partner is enjoying sex, but Demi probes a little further: “What about it for you do you enjoy?” Layla realizes that she has no idea what turns her on. 

“Often, any discussion of women’s bodies is viewed as pornographic and experimentation becomes an invitation for slut-shaming.”

“I think the fact that I’m not able to answer the question on what turns me on,” Layla noted, “Is kind of a big revelation for me. “The fact that I can’t even pinpoint what makes me aroused in a situation I think is a really big red flag.”

I think that’s honestly maybe contributing to why I’m not able to enjoy sex fully.” But Erika has a plan - she asks all of the women to pair up and test out the toys and tools she’s brought to see what sensations appeal to them. One woman is blindfolded while the other feathers, whips, or caresses her and asks if she wants it harder or softer.  

While the scene is particularly homoerotic - Mayci describes it as a “full-on orgy party” - Taylor clarifies that “This is not about being straight. It’s just enjoying the feeling of it.” 

Demi affirms that she’s “so straight it’s scary.” 

Taylor also agrees, acknowledging that she’s kissed lots of girls and didn't not enjoy it. She even compliments Miranda, a former #MomTok member who she hooked up with in front of their husbands during the notorious swinging parties - rumours of swinging are what sparked the reality show in the first place. 

Fellow #MomToker Mayci jokes about officially being at a #MomTok swinging party.

Queerphobia and denial of queer attraction is a key part of purity culture - not to say that Taylor or any of the women are queer, but the silence surrounding queer identity during the Secret Lives series became even louder in this discussion of women. While many members of the group laughed or expressed shame or discomfort looking at the table of whips, handcuffs, dildos, and butt plugs, their visible confusion and learning was powerful.

Following the ‘Remove The Taboo’ party, we saw how far the women had grown throughout the series. Demi’s shame and embarrassment surrounding a Fruity Pebbles sex story had transformed into humour; she dresses up as a bowl of Fruity Pebbles for Jessi’s Halloween party. 

Mikayla, who was uncomfortable about the group’s surprise trip to Chippendale’s during last season, brought a cake inspired by her best friend’s butt to the party and took a big bite out of it. 

When asked by Erika about her sexual experiences, Mikayla even acknowledges her own experience with sexual abuse, which she explored further in a conversation with a sexual trauma specialist the previous episode. 

It’s a raw conversation between Mikayla and the specialist, who played the role of Mikayla’s mom, the person who enabled her abuse. As the specialist comments, "Sometimes to take your power back, we need to do things now that you didn’t have a chance to do when you were younger, right?”

It’s advice that resonates with the ‘Remove the Taboo’ group, as the women discovered comprehensive sex education and about their own desires that they largely couldn’t as young adults in the Mormon church. 

Their session ends with an “Amen” from Mikayla, a not-so-subtle nod to the systemic problem of sexual abuse among many Christian communities. What Mikayla says to her mother by specialist proxy- “you piece of shit” - is a prayer many who are deconstructing trauma say. 

And as a purity culture survivor, I really appreciated seeing this discomfort and the messiness of religious deconstruction on screen. It was honestly one of the first times I saw some of the tools and toys on television, even if some of them were blurred, and it showed that sex educators and open dialogue are vital people and pieces in the puzzle against harmful sexual ethics. 

“The series has candidly shared the culture of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints with the world, and at this party, viewers saw how Mormon women are not immune to the influence of purity culture.”

It openly broke the stigma surrounding kink in Mormon communities as Mayci explained that once they are married, Mormon couples are known to be especially “freaky.” 

The #MomTokers also don’t shy away from the monetisation of exploring Mormon cultural values and also playing into them. Episode 7 specifically features a baking competition judged by the husbands that Whitney fully describes as a trad wife off. 

From a sex education party to frank conversations about men’s ownership and control of women’s bodies and emotions, the series tackles the issue at the heart of #MomTok itself - can content creators ethically destabilise systems of purity culture and religious misogyny from inside trad wife social media? Is #MomTok an antidote to religious sexism or is it part of the problem, especially if the series visualises the messy, and often non-linear, path of deconstructing trauma? 

The series is one of the first depictions of this process among real women on television, so it’s no surprise to me and many others that it resonates with the many people raised on Silver Ring Thing and True Love Waits that are coming of age today.

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is streaming now on Disney+ in the UK.